15 Suggestions for Avoiding Power Struggles with your Preschool Grandkids

15 suggestions for avoiding power struggles with your preschool grandkids is adapted from an old article from Positive Parenting maven Jane Nelson (circa 1998) and it still has wisdom for today. When your grandchildren visit (or if they live with you) you don't want to waste time creating distance and hostility-- what comes from power struggles-- you want to nurture trust and closeness.

Your positive influence as a grandparent is dependent on the warmth and trust you demonstrate. Closeness and trust make for a safe and energized learning environment... and that is part of what grandparenting is all about, isn't it? Passing on what we have learned to the generations who follow us...

The following 15 suggestions are important in teaching skills like self-discipline, responsibility, co-operation and problem-solving.

They won't feed into any 'people-pleasing' habits. Granny's House will be remembered as a haven of win-win.

(1)Decide what you are willing to do, and when. State it positively as:"I will read a story after faces are washed and teeth are brushed.""We will make cookies in a cleaned-up kitchen.""I will drive you to Suzy's when seat belts are buckled.""I will pull over to the side of the road when children are bugging each other and me."

(2)Follow through with kindness and firmness, at the same time, together. Without any comments or sarcasm, pull to the side of the road or leave the room. Actions speak louder than words.

(3)Respectful Time Out. Choose a "nurturing" time out area with the child (somewhere they can 'get it together' and consider how they can co-operate-- not a punishing place). Ask "Would it help for you to go to your Time Out area?" You can use the areayourself if you need time to compose yourself or to think. This is good modeling for your grandchild.

(4)Distraction and lots of supervision works well for younger kids. Jane Nelson writes that "punishment decreases brain development" and means that children are developmentally programmed to explore-- so instead of stemming this natural developmental urge with hand-slapping and verbal berating, tell them what they CAN do. (If you want to understand appropriate developmental guidance, read Nelson's book , Positive Discipline for Preschoolers.)

(5)Invite your grandkids to be part of 'making routines' when they are staying with you (activities, meals, rest times).Together you can draw and/or cut out pictures to create a Routine Chart. Brainstorm about solutions for possible problems and write them on the chart... children are often more co-operative when they are part of the solution. Then the chart (and not the Granny or the Child)becomes The Boss to refer to.

(6)Ask How and What questions."How will we eat if you don't set the table?""What is next on our Routine Chart?""What did we agree would happen if toys aren't picked up?""How do you feel about what just happened?"(Kids are smart though-- you have to really care about what their answers are-- they don't buy anything 'phony').

(7) Use 10 words or Less.One or two words are best: "Toys!" "Teeth!" "Inside Voice!" "Seatbelt!" You may need to repeat the single words a few times-- maybe many-- but avoid the lectures that children just turn off anyhow.

(8) Get kids involved in co-operation. Agree, "I can't make you, but I really do appreciate your help."

(9) No words. For a change, use pantomine, notes, or charades to communicate. Use hugs to create closeness and trust before a co-operative 'work' activity such as cleaning up after the play dough project. (See Best Play Dough Recipe.)

(10) Non-verbal Signals. Plan in advance with your grandchild what 'mysterious code' can be used to signal reminders about co-operating. Maybe an empty plate turned over at the lunch table is a signal that they need to wash their hands before eating, or a sheet over the TV signals that they need to put away their other toys or games before watching their favorite show or DVD.

(11) Us reflective listening (not parroting though). Really listen. Try to understand what your grandchild is saying and also what he/she really means... respectfully state back to her what you "hear" with your heart.

(12) Limit choice. "Would you like to watch your Barney DVD after you put away your jacket or after we have lunch?"

(13) Make a "Wheel of Choices" together and put this on the fridge to refer to if there are any conflicts. Divide a big circle up into pie pieces and brainstorm together. Draw pictures of the activities. Leave a couple of blank pieces for ideas that come up later. Some ideas might be: "Share and Take Turns", "Ignore It", "Walk Away", "Talk It Out", "Say it with the "I" message", "Apologize", "Go for a Positive Time Out", "Play with something else", "Count to 10 to cool off", "offer to help", "Draw a picture about it", etc. When a conflict arises, invite them to pick something from the wheel.

(14) Create a Game while working together. Make up a special song or play "Beat the Clock" while picking up toys or making the beds. Share positive stories about their parent's childhood.

(15) Use your Sense of Humour... "Here comes the Tickle Monster to get little children who don't pick up their toys!". This will create closeness and can be followed by one of the above suggestions if it doesn't quite work to create the desired co-operation.